Forever Unread: Thoughts for Valentine's Day

This originally appeared in Lost in Romance, 2012. 

A batch of submissions sits on the editor’s desk at Forever Unread. Among them is a well-plotted short story in which a man and woman, after a number of mysterious events, sip brandy at the Algonquin Hotel. Alongside it is another story in which two men, after any number of disgusting events, curse at one another at a dirty diner.

The ever-so-educated literary magazine editor reads both of these – one with pronounced boredom, the other with genuine gusto. It’s the second piece that excites him. To the cursing scribe, he gushes, “It’s edgy and gritty. It takes us to new places.”

To the other author (who naturally is an authoress), he writes, “Thank you for your submission. Unfortunately, this is not for us. You might consider submitting this to a romance genre publication.”

The romance author, having surveyed the contents of Forever Unread, is philosophical. She has no plans to write about dirty diners, street fights or toilets. Most definitely she wishes to avoid toilets.

She meets her dear friend, Dr. Jill Evans, esteemed head of the literature department at a prestigious university. “Are vomit and pee-pee the new literary status symbols?” the author wants to know—for she is curious about the editorial fascination with bodily excretions.

“People need things to be real,” opines the professor, who herself edits a magazine called Literary Ammonia. “Vomit is real.”

“I want magic,” our author admits. “I like landscape paintings. I like Chopin and Faure. I like movies like Casablanca, books like Green Mansions.”

“Romance has sappy Hallmark card happy endings,” Jill sighs.

The author is annoyed, but only mildly. “Casablanca doesn’t have a sappy ending--neither does Green Mansions. A lot of romance is sad, it’s just not ugly.”

Jill opens a bottle of fine Cabernet. “Life’s dark.” (The author suspects that Jill’s sole contact with the Dark Side comes from HBO, but she remains wisely silent.)

“Sewers aren’t any more real than parks. Anyway, you don’t lead a gritty life,” the author replies, sipping wine and admiring the view. “Take Laurie Colwin—she writes about women I might know. She writes about women who have affairs, but not because they’re unhappy. They have affairs because their life lacks… magic.”

Jill immediately writes the name, Laurie Colwin (Find her books now). “Any other suggestions, I mean for just guilty pleasure reading?” she asks, rather eagerly.

The author lists her favorites with delight. Nancy Lemann, whose dizzy Southern girls long for loony men and sometimes get them, but only sometimes; the conjurer of all things Gallic, Dianne Johnson with her dazzling array of schemers, sophisticates and naives; Cathleen Schine whose heroines bump into love like Buster Keaton in a fast-paced chase scene; and recently romantic Allegra Goodman whose heroine in The Cookbook Collector charms without effort.

“They are stories of love – it’s sometimes flawed and it’s often brief – and they’re dreamers, even if the dreams don’t come true,” the author concludes. “Sure, promises get broken and kisses are fleeting, but without them, life’s pretty humdrum.”

Jill Evans looks out of her window and notices how beautiful Central Park is, when seen at twilight—and how quickly the light changes. “Dreams,” she repeats, and wonders where her girlhood copy of Green Mansions might be.

The next day finds Dr. Jill Evans immersed in the books of Laurie Colwin-- a writer who died as young as Jane Austen and whose spirit was as generous. Jill opens Goodbye without Leaving and swoons along with the heroine when Len first appears—and Jill feels a pit in her stomach when the two part—and a wish that the book would go on.

Soon Jill is seduced by Nancy Lemann’s Lives of the Saints. She finds herself yearning for the French Quarter in New Orleans, jazz, and hot drunken nights. She is heartsick to learn that many of Nancy Lemann novels are out of print but consoles herself by re-reading The Fiery Pantheon.

To the author’s amusement, Dr. Jill Evan’s undergraduate syllabus now includes Barbara Pym’s  A Glass of Blessings Grateful undergraduates have nominated Jill as Teacher of the Year—and many young women are seen, on park benches, reading and laughing at Pym’s Excellent Women.

The romance author cannot help but notice that the latest copy of Forever Unread sits on Jill’s desk – unopened and, yes, forever unread.

You Can't Hurry Love, in Page and Spine

Been a while since I dabbled in matters romantic, but the subject's never far from my writerly imagination.  In this tedious campaign season, it seems more important than ever to celebrate love.  

For readers who enjoyed my story collection, STRANGE COURTSHIPS; NINE ROMANTIC STORIES, here is a new story, published in the online journal Page and Spine.  It's called "You Can't Hurry Love," and you can find it below:  

http://pagespineficshowcase.com/the-reading-lamp/you-cant-hurry-love-carla-sarett

Forget the Hollywood Effect: Guest Post by Georgina Ramsey

Georgina Ramsey lives in the North of England with her husband, son and numerous animals. She has been a teacher, and broke into the Indie market in 2013 with the release of ‘Love, Life & Cream Cakes!’ 

Here is what she contributes for Valentine's Month.

I asked my husband the other day what ‘romance’ meant to him.

His reply:  “Romance? Nah, it doesn’t really exist!”

I faltered.  It seemed that to him, romance was no different to a cheese and pickled onion sandwich! (The idea of which is quite appealing, but it requires a bit of effort to pull off, and there are easier options in the cupboard.)  Now, I could have taken his remark as an insult.  I might have concluded our cat arguably has more romance in his left paw – at least he bothers to bring me the occasional gift! But I didn’t feel dejected.   I decided that my husband is misinformed.

I blame the Hollywood Effect.  

My husband, by the way, hates romcom movies (he says they’re not “real life”) so I used to sit and watch them by myself, with a bar of chocolate and a nice cup of tea.  Now what’s the Hollywood version of romance?

Well, you shower your special someone with spectacular presents costing the Earth, a la ‘Pretty Woman.  You make a gesture that requires months of planning.  A flash mob, perhaps? If you combine the two you’ve scored! 

Patrick Dempsey’s hero in ‘Sweet Home Alabama’ whisks Reece Witherspoon’s heroine to Tiffany’s afterhours to pick any engagement ring she wants.  You find me a woman who did not swoon. I don’t fancy Patrick Dempsey, but with that kind of wooing I could be persuaded!  I worry that the Hollywood Effect has resulted in a chunk of the population feeling incapable of pulling off a romantic gesture.

Yes, there’s something magical about fantasies like Cinderella. I admit that one of my earlier novels (‘Sex, Lies & Corned Beef Pies!’) is a modern day Cinderella story.  But my latest romantic comedy, ‘When Love Feels Like A Pocket Full Of Snails,’ is a down to earth look at how couples fall for one another when their paths cross. And I fell for the lead male in this story good and proper when I was writing it!

Romance is about making that special someone feel just that – special. It might be a simple note, a morning selfie, a cuddle or a kiss goodnight. Do you know what? My husband does that each and every day. And when we’re out walking, he offers me his work coat, sometimes smelly.   I’d say the romance in my life is pretty perfect. 

When Love Feels Like A Pocket Full Of Snails! is available here’

Follow her on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/GeorginaRamseyAuthor

More Valentines, Please!

Our romance author from time to time wishes to go to the movies.  She longs to enjoy a romantic escape, so to speak, from her humdrum existence.

She imagines watching the heroines of older years like Carole Lombard or Ingrid Bergman or Meg Ryan – by turns witty, lyrical and adorable.  She envisions the broad-shouldered heroes of Westerns and the sad-eyed men of noirs who swept her away, so long ago, when she was young and impressionable.   

Off to the modern cinema she goes – with Professor Jill Evans, now a confirmed romantic herself.  The two women find themselves baffled, with only their buttered popcorn to console them as they watch the new film, Fat Sloppy Men. 

Indeed, as the title promises, the movie features fat sloppy fellows who – apart from having no career prospects or ambitions – seem incapable of uttering a single interesting word, and content themselves with the occasional huh?  Bizarrely, these inarticulate heroes seem unwilling to commit themselves in normal ways.  They are overgrown children who hang around eating and drinking and indulging in recreational drugs—the Three Stooges, come to life as "romantic" leads.

The heroine – played by one of today’s tall beautiful blondes – is frustrated with these fat lazy fellows, but eventually resign herself to her pathetic fate.  After all, what else is there for her?  Decades ago, her chubby slacker might have been included in a script for comic effect – but now, he is the prize. 

The authoress and Jill walk home, with heavy hearts.  On their way, they bump into Prudence Wilcox—a star student in Jill’s seminar on post-feminist literary criticism.  Prudence is carrying a batch of DVDs to watch with her female friends.

“Are women resigned to lazy silly men?” Dr. Jill asks--she herself has a crush on Hugh Grant and wonders why he rarely graces the screen.

“Oh, not all women, just women in film,” Prudence reminds them.  “In real life, we hardly date anyway, so we’re not resigned to anyone, obviously.”

“What ever happened to men chasing after women?” the authoress asks.  "Sure some men do?"  

“That was the old patriarchy, I guess, or something,” says Prudence.  “I’m going home to watch Groundhog Day—now that was romantic!”

She shows the author and Jill some of her favorites—for even in this prosaic era, she has discovered a few films that were made for pleasure. Midnight in Paris, with its glowing views of Paris and its theme of love unexpected; Source Code whose heroine, played by Michele Monaghan, is the kind of enchanting woman that a man would risk all for—and whose sci-fi plot melds perfectly with themes of eternal love worthy of Groundhog Day; the sophisticated pairing of Angelina Jolie and Johnny Depp in The Tourist whose cool chemistry amidst the glories of Venice offers old-fashioned goose-bumps. 

“There are some good romances, but you have to sift through a lot of gross comedies to find them,” Prudence lets them know.  She leaves them with a copy of the film, Management.  “Take a look,” she says.

The two women again open a bottle of Cabernet and reflect upon life’s unfairness.  Dr. Jill wants to impress upon her friends that she does not discriminate against slackers.  “It’s unfair to judge a romantic lead because he’s fat or stupid or lazy.  That’s a throw-back to the old oppressive days.”    

“Being courted isn’t oppressive—it’s part of being in love,” the author argued.  “I think are some magical film-makers out there.  Take The Illusionist with Ed Norton and Jessica Biel – the hero loves her so much that he risks everything, he transcends time and space.”

Jill herself has watched The Illusionist more than once.  “But that was only a fantasy,” she says.

“Yes,” agrees our author.  “That’s exactly what a romance requires.”

The two settle into watching Management with Jennifer Aniston and Steve Zahn.  Yes, the man is a slacker and not movie-star handsome– but, like Woody, he falls for the girl at once, in this case, despite her indifference.  He chases her.  He wants her.  And when he wins her, the women find themselves unexpectedly moved.

“Love at last,” proclaims Dr. Jill.

“Better at last than never,” says our romance author. 

My Interview in | LOST IN FICTION

Each time I do one of these "self-serve" online interviews, I understand my motivations for writing in a somewhat different way.  This interview focused on the "genre" part of the romance, which is not a label I feel entirely comfortable.  Any story about two people who might or might not fall in love can be a romance, but the genre pre-supposes happy endings-- and while I am not opposed to happy endings, I am not committed to them.  Read my interview here.

Carla Sarett for Lost in Romance! | LOST IN FICTION:

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My next big thing

My wonderful writer colleague, Barbara Alfaro, has "tagged" me in her blog post with a challenge:  I must interview myself about my own new book.  Since I spend a good deal of time in general talking to myself (although rarely about myself), I'll take up the challenge and ask myself the very same questions that Barbara has answered, keeping mind that Nine Romantic Stories is a story collection, and its stories are quite different from one another.

1.  WHAT IS THE TITLE OF THE BOOK?

The title is Nine Romantic Stories -- and it's an intentional reference to J.D. Salinger's "Nine Stories." When I first starting writing short fiction (only a few years ago), I said to myself, if I can write 9 good stories, I'll know that I'm a writer, and that this isn't a hobby.  Salinger is still one of my favorite short story authors.

2.  WHERE DO YOU GET THE IDEAS FOR YOUR STORIES?

Stories and magic are everywhere.  I hear conversations or snatches of them, I read articles-- and my mind starts making up a narrative.  I try to imagine what happened to people whom I've known and lost touch with.  And of course other writers influence stories.  Some random character in a larger novel might become the heroine in my stories.  It's the way my mind works. I can't help it.

3. WHAT'S THE GENRE FOR THE BOOK?

I go back and forth on genre since the stories themselves go from funny to magical realism.  On the one hand, it's romantic, but it's hardly Harlequin-style or steamy. It's Romance with a capital R, and it's literary fiction as well.

4.  IF YOU HAD TO PICK ACTORS TO PLAY THE LEAD IN ONE OF YOUR STORIES, WHOM WOULD YOU PICK?

All of my stories are quite different from one another.  There's one funny story, though, Victor's Proposal that's written almost entirely in dialogue.  I'd love to hear Emma Thompson read those lines.

5.  HOW DO YOU DESCRIBE YOUR BOOK IN ONE SENTENCE?

Actually, I'd steal what an Amazon Review said: "Delicious stories for the discriminating romantic."  But on a more prosaic level, Nine Stories brings together Carla Sarett's previously published stories with some brand new ones, all intended to charm and entertain.

6.  HOW WILL YOUR BOOK BE PUBLISHED OR WILL YOU BE HANDLING IT YOURSELF?

Most of the stories in the collection were previously published.  This collection, which is relatively short, is self-published.  Right now, I'm thinking of this as a Kindle-only publication, but plan could change.  This is more or less an experiment in finding my audience.

7. HOW LONG DID IT TAKE YOU TO WRITE THE FIRST DRAFT?

I constantly edit and revise stories so it might take a year or two before I am truly happy with one.  The story, "Mandolinata" changed several times before it was published in The Greensilk Journal-- and yet, in preparing the book, I found some stylistic quirks that bothered me.  I spent a few months trying to decide which stories were truly "romantic" -- it's not as easy as you'd think!

8.  WHAT OTHER BOOKS WITHIN YOUR GENRE ARE SIMILAR TO YOURS?

That depends on the story.  I think "Bonny Lass" for example has shades of Salinger, in female-form, while other stories, like "A Strange Courtship" and "A Short Visit" are influenced by the great Yiddish writers.  But every writer considers herself an original, that's the nature of writing.

9.  WHO OR WHAT INSPIRED YOU TO WRITE THIS BOOK?

My mother's death was the catalyst for my writing fiction.  She loved fiction and story-telling, and when she wasn't around, I began writing stories that I felt she might have enjoyed. She appears in many of the stories -- for example, she is Mrs. Gold in "A Strange Courtship."  When I'm finished with a story, my first thought, would my mother have liked it?  As for direct writer influences, I'd have to say, Kipling's early stories are my model.

10. WHAT ABOUT YOUR BOOK WILL PIQUE THE READER'S INTEREST?

Every serious writer hopes that it's the writing itself that piques the interest -- but I do feel that there's an audience for truly romantic material, not filled with cheap sex or profanity or ugliness.  I think many educated woman (like me) want sophistication, wit and old-fashioned well-crafted stories.  I hope that they'll find Nine Romantic Stories and enjoy it.

Other fab authors that might want to tell the world about Their Next Big Thing?

Here are links to some authors who are always up to something new:

Jim Breslin
Rolando Garcia
Cheryl Snell
Ingrid Ricks
Samantha Memi

Nine Romantic Stories and Building Platforms

So, I've (after some mechanical difficulties with Kindle Select Publishing, I have uploaded my first story collection to Amazon.  You can download a sample of it at Nine Romantic Stories: Carla Sarett: Amazon.com: Kindle Store:

This book is a marketing experiment (or what's called platform-building experiment) of sorts.  For starters, it's shorter than a full-length story collection, so I've priced it at a dollar.  My thinking is (although I could change my position) that it's less of a commitment, and maybe some brand-new readers will find me.  Or maybe not-- I'll see.

The other part of the experiment is to play around with tags, categories and different forms of advertising to see what works in the new world.  I've published almost all of these stories, so it's not as if readers can't find them elsewhere.  But can ads through Facebook, Kindle Nation, and Google Adwords make a difference?  In the next few weeks, I'll be trying each of these and reporting back on what's worked and what's flopped.

In the meantime, hope that some of you will splurge for a dollar!

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Nine Romantic Stories-- will finally be published this week

I am so happy that the cover of the book reflects my romantic spirit-- thanks much to my patient husband, Paul Messaris, for designing such a totally feminine and art-nouveau inspired cover.  I hope the the old-fashioned look of it will help readers figure out that my stories are meant to entertain and charm. No vampires, no serial killers, no profanity, and definitely no graphical sex scenes-- just old-fashioned moonlight and magic, with some wit thrown in for good measure.


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