More April Foolishess, from humorist Tabitha Ormiston-Smith. We've interviewed Tabitha on this blog.
Grammar and humor do not often travel together. But they do in Tabitha's witty opus, GRAMMAR WITHOUT TEARS. She manages to clarify grammatical points (no longer taught in our schools) without boring us to tears. Tabitha hints that she may bring out a new (and expanded) edition of it. But in the meantime, you may purchase a Kindle Edition.
Scene: the dining hall at Hampton Court Palace. HENRY VIII is seated at the table, with Anne Boleyn and a number of courtiers. Serving people flit busily back and forth bringing new dishes to the table.
HR: MMMMMM pass the pheasant pass the lark pie pass the wine pass the salt pass the lentil casserole – no wait, that’s disgusting. Pass the turnip surprise.
AB: Henry, do you think you ought to eat quite so much?
HR: Yes. I like to eat alot. Pass the roast beef pass the pease pass the custard.
AB: But Henry, you are increasing at a great rate, and already they’ve had to cut out a hole from the table. And another thing; you said ‘ALOT’. When we ALLOT something, we are assigning it to a person or category; for example, I might allot the yellow flowers in the tapestry we are making to a particular one of my ladies; besides, then it’s spelt differently. When you mean a great deal of something, it is ‘A LOT’; always two words.
HR: Yes, dear. Pass the capons pass the pickled cows’ udders pass the whale steaks.
AB: How much of the cows’ udders would you like? A LOT, or just a little?
HR: Cunning wench. Of course, A LOT. Pass the trifle pass the pears pass the numbles.
AB: There you are, dear. Now are you clear on the difference between ALLOT and ALOT?
HR. Watch it, Anne. I also like to execute wives A LOT. Pass the wine pass the spotted dick pass the sausages pass the roast swan....