April Foolishness: Dan Essman's review of Fifty Shades of Gray

Writer and pal Dan Essman writes these pithy film reviews for THE WILLITS WEEKLY. 

Here's a funny one:

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY

THE STORY: Anastasia, a lovely girl though a bit simple, finds herself attracted to Christian, a billionaire who looks like a male clothes horse and flies a helicopter. They fall in love. They have sex...of a sort. The movie asks the all important questions: will they stay together, and are the handcuffs necessary?

MY THOUGHTS: Dakota Johnson (Anastasia) is awfully pretty and Jamie Dornan (Christian) is just as pretty. They are nice to watch. I wanted them to make it. Love is hard. Marriage is harder. She is a “ninety-nine percenter,” he, a “point zero-one percenter.” Statistics show that money is a bigger obstacle than religious differences, or race, to a successful relationship. In their favor: the two lovers have long and honest and detailed discussions of their sexual preferences. More power to them.

Also...in the clever name department...how interesting that Anastasia (Romanov) is the name of a lost princess; and Christian is this country's dominant religion. Interesting...

The movie, like so many Hollwood movies, exploits the pornography of expensive things. The fancy cars, the fancy penthouses, the fancy secretaries in their little black dresses. Okay, I would not be averse to the latter...

NOTE: “...Grey's” author E.L. James asserted that there was not enough sex in the movie. (“How much is not enough?” A question I shall politely ignore.)

PARENTS: And really, do you have to ask...